9 Letters to my child
These series of small letters will contain life lessons and experiences that I gained each day. Hopefully someday in the future, I will be bestowing these letters to my children if I have any, or anyone else who would want to remember me. The overarching theme that I wanted to put out was that everyone is learning things as we go along in life and we are all growing and making mistakes well into our 30s as well.
Date: 16th February 2025
To: The one after my own heart
The weather is becoming more colder even though it’s supposed to be the height of summer. Waking up was hard today as it was a nice cold Sunday morning and the tendency to just roll over and sleep was too high. I had to promise myself that I would get out of bed at 07:15AM and show up to my laptop and keyboard to write this. When we are young promises mean a lot for us. It’s a sign of putting trust on to others, and also a way to receive trust on to yourself. When you are young, you will make promises to others and others will make promises to you as well. At first you would expect those around you to keep their promises and at a certain point you will realize that most promises don’t take promises seriously. That is where the tendency comes to promise things to yourself but have no serious obligation in your head. That is where the first steps to lying to yourself starts. From there onwards anytime you promise yourself that you would stop doing a bad behavior or that you would start doing a good behavior, it will be hard for you to keep the promise. Because you have seen others dismiss promises and consider them as simple statements, and you have seen how you would promise things to others and not follow through with it. Slowly just like that you start lying to yourself. It’s crucial that you do not follow this pattern. The first step to surviving in this world is to have yourself on your side and for that you need to foster a trusting relationship with yourself. So keep in mind when you make promises to yourself, only make the promises that you know you wholeheartedly can do and if you do make a promise, follow through with it to the end.
Aside from that, carving out a path for yourself requires a lot I will say that for sure. Right now I am at a place where I need to stand strong on my idea and push forward with it while taking in the feedback of others in a healthy manner. It’s rough I must say, but it is necessary for us to be able to form an opinion of our own. It can be a struggle to find a solid foundation to rely on but do not let that discourage you. As long as you learn how to put your effort in at the right time and to go with the flow the rest of the times, it can be a lot easier to navigate. When is the right time to put in the effort and when is the right time to go with the flow. Well my dear, I wouldn’t be able to find that answer for you. Only advice I can give is to listen objectively. Listen to your body objectively, listen to others objectively, listen to your mind objectively. Your body can rarely lie but your mind and those around you can. Ask nicely and your body shall respond.
Date: 17.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
For some reason falling asleep when needed is a lot difficult than it may seem on the surface. I always wonder what people think about when they fall asleep. Do they think about their loved ones? Do they think about the day to be conquered tomorrow? or the day that they regret today? Do they think about the dramas and plays that they witnessed in the day itself? I will not know for sure what others are thinking, for me I try my best to picture you as best as I can to imagination. If ever you doubt whether you were the same as I imagined the answer will always be, no, you were better than what I always imagined.
There’s always an enjoyment in progressively getting better at things and finding out new things to be good at is always fun. Perhaps one of the best reasons to do something is to do it because it is good for you and doesn’t harm those around you and you can keep on doing it into the future reaping the benefits of what you sowed. Might not seem motivational but in most cases whatever reason you hold on as the motivation has a tendency to either change drastically for the good and for the bad. In some cases you might realise that the reason that motivated you was not actually a healthy reason to be motivated. If you ever come across a moment like that my dear, just know that it’s a feeling that I experienced quite a lot in my life. The first thing you must refrain from is beating yourself up and doubting all the progress that you made so far. When a foundation that you stand on gets taken out from you, you need to have yourself on your side first and foremost before anyone else joins your side. While the motivating factor might not have been suitable, progress is still progress, and mitigating the damage will take time and patience, but now that you have a clearer mind and a loving self, the future is going to be brighter I promise.
Also if ever you come across something that ignites a childlike smile in you, go experience that. I can guarantee you, there will be a brief moment of euphoria and after that whether or not you continue feeling it every time will be questionable but it will be a lovely reminder for you to love the inner child within you.
Date: 18.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Well it seems I have been bested and my ego is shattered. I thought I was right and the ideas of others were wrong. It might be the case that I can be right and wrong at the same time while also having the others be right and wrong at the same time. This is where I guess the notion of such cut and dry dualities become gray. It also could be that I am too proud to accept that I thought wrong. It might not be surprising to you my dear, to hear that your old man was a proud person. Nevertheless, I will accept this defeat with dignity. However, there’s more to the story now that I made this tiny progress in the research. As to where and how the story will go is still a mystery to me as well.
A surprising comment caught me off guard while I was having a chat with a friend of mine. “I wouldn’t want to share my eggs and cucumbers with anyone yet.” It was interesting to think that being single gives you this freedom to pursue life in a way that is completely within your control and definitions. You might also come to an age and wonder “why should I give up being single for someone else?”. And truth be told at the age that your old man is at now, he has no idea either. Although I must say I do fall easily for people but that is because I tend to forget the freedom that I take for granted. Perhaps with the right person it shouldn’t feel like the freedom is taken away and maybe it feels a lot like there’s a bit more color to the monotone freedom in your life.
Is life simply a never ending cycle of having something and taking it for granted and then losing that said thing proceeded by an eternal fight to gain it again only to lose it after taking it for granted? Perhaps, that might be the case. As Zen Buddhists would say at your purest form your mind is said to be calm and free and yet we introduce so many other things that bring in a series of pain and suffering.
Date: 19.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Working early morning does help it seems. I actually made some progress in the work that I was doing and to be honest it felt a lot more lively and less stressful than working late night. Something about me is slowly shifting I guess, and I’m glad that shift is happening. For you my dear there will come a point in time where you will be working all night long and still be able to function properly the next few days. Cherish those moments, because with time that skill becomes harder to maintain. Despite what people might say about playing to your energy levels, working late would be a bad idea if you have a bad history with it as your old man does.
Speaking of bad history, I’m still not ready to fight back against the bullies within the walls of my family. I hope to god that by the time you are reading this I have either fought back or the bully had let go of their ways. Either way I have strengthened my resolve when presented with snide remarks of my self image by knowing that I look good to myself regardless of whatever happens to my self image. If my dear someday you want to love someone unconditionally, first love yourself in a way that no matter the mistakes or slip ups that you have that you will love yourself in the same way no matter what. In other news, your old man may appear tough at times but know that he would cry over stories told in the big screen easily. Perhaps the most poignant set of events that affects me is the case of the misunderstood person shunning himself from the crowd and not being able to face them is able to face them with slow build up of courage. Perhaps there might be some link to my social anxiety or perhaps it’s something deeper within me that finds this connection. Even though I might appear as someone who would always talk and check up on people, internally I too am scared to talk to people sometimes. It takes a bit of effort on my end to talk to people because of a variety of reasons sometimes. It can be scary to be on a journey alone. For me whenever I see the stars at night I find companionship with them, where I would be greeting Orion and mapping out the rest of the night sky in reference to Orion. On some days it is mapped out through with the centaur. Have some small moments of whimsy in your life. See the beauty in the ordinary by letting go of your preconceived expectations and experiencing the moment fully. It might be a small flower blooming in between the rough concrete or it could be the traffic lights turning green in front of a tapestry of velvety clouds. Carving a path for yourself can be scary at times. But at all times what’s necessary is to understand what your strengths are and hone them. You might not know what your strengths are, the people around you might not know some parts of it, but there is always the case where you might have strengths that haven’t been explored at all or didn’t have the right time and guidance to be your strength. Whatever it is know that every step you take will be helping you reach a place of satisfaction, because surprisingly we get to decide where our place of satisfaction is at.
Date: 20.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It is true that when you announce to the world that you are doing something, every possible method of resistance will come forth to deny you of what you are trying to achieve. This is why I think the archers in Japan would say that you have to release the arrow without realizing it. The moment you force it and announce it to the world then it would drain you out in reaching the target. Should you be hiding your ambitions and goals in fear of this resistance? Not at all my dear, simply know that there will be a resistance and that it is an indication that you need to make the process as natural as possible.
If ever you feel like your old man isn’t scared of anything and is the toughest cookie you have seen in the world, just know that there are days when your old man would go and get the sweetest doughnut and milkshake possible to calm himself before a meeting that he’s anxious about. This is after he is trying his best to cut out sugar as much as possible.
Adding on to how scared your old man is, he was scared of moments where his friend circles would combine as well and he was scared of telling the truth to one friend that he’s hanging out with another friend instead. These are things that I’m still trying to grow out of with the help of slowly putting myself out there. The fear of rejection and being left alone is strong no matter what. So know that you are not alone, to feel alienated and left alone is to be human as well much like its counterpart. Have faith in yourself that you would retain the friends that would be by your side in times of need.
Your old man used to drink a lot back in the day. I think that should have been pretty obvious to you as well. On the beginning of this year I decided not to drink again for three months. At first it was presented as a challenge by a friend that I do not consider a close friend anymore, but later on I realized that this was sort of a practicing ground for me when you would be coming around in to the world my dear. And so I began and one month went by with triumphant glee. But as the end of the second month rolls around the stress rises high, it is clear that alcohol was a way for your old man to numb his pain and to escape from reality. It was a form of self harm after a while where I purposefully would reduce my thinking capabilities as a punishment for not being able to find a solution through the struggles that life had to offer. Regardless, your old man persisted to this day and has not sabotaged himself with alcohol and he would not be doing it in solidarity when you are coming around to this world.
Date: 21.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I made it to this morning. Today is one of those days that made me say this out loud. I stood my ground yesterday and I realized that some people are not open to seeing a world view outside of their own. And at times like that I need to protect myself above all. I hope to god that I do not pass on the same trauma that I had to endure, but if I have, forgive me my dear, it was never my intention to do so. And if you are currently at a state where your self esteem is low and you are teetering towards the precipice of taking your own life, please take a moment to know that no matter who might find you unworthy you need to stay by your own side the most. Why you might ask, well simply put there’s still a life left to live and experiences to be had. There is still always something that can be done with the life that we have regardless of what gets taken away from us. Do not abandon the inner child within you, that child has already gone through enough as it is. Don’t pile on top of the damages that have already been dealt.
I do not have a lot to talk about except that there were many moments your old man decided not to walk this earth anymore and take the final leap ahead of time. I hope by the time I get to know you most of these tendencies would be faint as it can get. It is quite comforting to abandon your child if that is all that you have known as the reality. But in reality there are people who might help out and it requires a phenomenal strength to take the first step to ask for help.
Try your best not to doubt yourself based on one dimension of evaluation. You might not be good at something based on an arbitrary standard set by someone else, but you can be good at something else in the standard that you set by yourself. We are people with multiple facets. An art exhibition of sorts. Some paintings might not appeal to some and some paintings might not appeal to anyone but the fact that they came and the fact that as a collective you are not a bad art exhibition is undeniable. If there is at least one good quality in you, at least one good skill that you have, then hold fast to it. Even if we are to live in the most poorest state that we can, we will still somehow manage our lives.
I promise you that I will live to see you someday.
Date: 22.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I made it to this morning as well. Yesterday was difficult in terms of the emotions that I had to deal with through out the day. First came a puppet with the face of a martyr that I had to deal with, and then came the two injuries that happened on the badminton court. It is interesting to think that your old man would take responsibility of people falling over and spraining their ankle when he booked the badminton court. Logically, yes it doesn’t make sense for me to be guilty for the injury that I didn’t accidentally cause. However, there is the emotional component that makes me feel that this wouldn’t have happened if…. and that is where I get stuck. There is nothing for me to do. It was simply out of my control. Yet I want to take responsibility for it. Why? I’m not certain either. Perhaps by the time you are reading this I might have a better idea but for now all I know is that it’s easier to blame myself than to blame bad luck. Perhaps it is my trauma from my childhood where I would be blamed when the electronics didn’t work in the house. Regardless I need to accept that I did the best I can do to make sure that everyone was kept safe.
There will be times in your life when you are met with a strong feeling of abandonment. It could come when those you trusted to take your side in times of difficulty betrays you to take the side of the majority. At such times, keep in mind that everyone is doing it for the sake of their safety and while it may seem unfair it doesn’t do you any good to hate on them. First and foremost do not desert yourself in these times. Do what is necessary, healthy and sustainable for you to feel happy and loved at that moment. Do not be the tyrant that deprives you of the little joys in life for the sake of delaying gratification. When times are rough and there is an opportunity to make yourself feel loved as long as the price of having that joy doesn’t harm you in the long run.
Sometimes it’s good to let your anger out to a confidante that you trust to listen and not to judge. Men really need to build relationships with other men where they are free to cry and let their tears fall. It is a man’s innate nature to hold back their tears as that’s what was being taught since they are young (at least it was for me). The gender stereotypes that I grew up with might have vanished by now hopefully. If it is still prevalent in the society, it would take the form of “don’t cry like a girl”. The statement itself is nonsensical because the ability to cry is the first demonstration of life in a new born baby. They say that the first and last breath are the hardest to take and hence why we cry in pain in both moments. For those who decide to take their last breath ahead of time the cries of pain are more prominent closer to the act. In life you will need to decide when to take a break from putting in the extra effort for people that do not value your expertise. If you have no choice but to interact with these people then give them the bare minimum you need to give them while also feigning an empty poker face.
Date: 23.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I’m feeling a lot better today I would say. Not much to give as a letter from yesterday apart from realising how much of a difference it makes to stay in the presence of someone and just kick back and relax compared to staying at home and trying to relax. Platonic friendships can be quite useful at times like this. Your old man has given up hope finding a partner at this stage so there is no way that I would be spending my time trying to court anyone. It is also fascinating to realise that you are not alone in the way you behave inside the house. Most people who live by themselves prefer to live in their house with a certain way that they would not want to change, and to be a good friend means to be able to accommodate that.
Also I hate the smell of cheese and I honestly do not find it appealing at this point.
Date: 24.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Sometimes it’s freeing when you start living life purposefully. It starts with enjoying the most mundane moments of your life. It can be simply enjoying the stars at night, or it could be just seeing the contrasting colors of bright green leaves reaching up high into the dull gray skies.
People used to say that your old man has a face that has subtitles underneath it all the time, because no matter what it was easy to read his emotions through his face. Perhaps that might still be the case and if that’s the case I hope you have not learned the skill of trying to read people based on their emotions. It is not a superpower at all, but merely a survival tactic learned in a household where emotions aren’t expressed or communicated properly. Hence why I hope you would never end up in such a position.
If you tend to have a negative outlook towards yourself, that same outlook would seep into how you view other people as well. You would consider their one mistake as the end of the relationship with them, which is why you fear making a mistake in a relationship and prepare yourself for abandonment, perhaps even premeditate the abandonment in a self fulfilling prophecy. I am someone of that sorts and I hope you are not. Life will throw you a bunch of the same lessons to learn when you realise how bad you are at something. For me these days it’s accepting people’s mistakes and their hurtful actions towards me. I would tend to invalidate all their past goodwill simply by one mistake they did because I would start questioning the past and its genuine nature. Perhaps this is because of how my childhood abuser would always provide a lot but in turn also weaponize them when abusing me. Perhaps I am only protecting myself, or I am projecting my fears onto them. Either way I will be trying to take this week slowly to fully understand what’s going in my head and how I approach people.
Date: 25.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Your old man is officially divorced and single now. The news didn’t come as a shock but rather a soft sigh. There’s a soft beauty in unspoken goodbyes. That is what I believe is the main story for this week.
It might already be obvious but your old man can be quite angry and stubborn at times. From a young age, I did not have the proper tools to let go of my anger. In a household where negative emotions are shunned, it is natural for the child to learn only passive avoidant ways of dealing with anger. Therefore for me it is difficult to understand what’s the right way to express my discomfort. It’s even worse when it’s against someone who I’m afraid of.
During difficult time periods it can be easy to lose sight of the things that you can be grateful for and simply force yourself to target short term wins while sacrificing your health. That was a fact, but the question on how you are going to avoid doing that is something I’m yet to find the answer for.
Yesterday was a barrage of unanswered questions that I will hopefully find the solution to slowly.
Date: 26.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
There’s a lot of people supporting your old man, I must say my dear. As much as I hate the outside world, sometimes I forget that there are people to support me if I get stuck with mr problems.
That being said your old man is also very scared to take unorthodox decisions, or decisions that will put him at a place of social scrutiny. It literally sends shivers down my spine when I have to take a choice to be an independent person. It’s not easy, yet it is even more harder for my overanalyzing brain that worries about every little detail that could happen as a result of my decision.
One thing I will tell you from the time you are growing up, my dear, sugar is a devil that you should associate gently. Know that while you are young you might be able to excessively consume it, but with age comes a bigger health risk that I simply cannot emphasize. If you are coming close to your 20s my dear, please consider cutting out the sugar in your life slowly. You will realize how difficult it is to cut the sugar out but it takes time.
As a final closing note, perhaps one of the most difficult things to do in life is to carve out your own path. I believe I was raised to believe that if you say no to someone’s help then you will never have that person’s help in the future. So it is a bit difficult for me to comprehend a world where I travel alone and do my own thing and be good at it.
So if you are struggling now to figure out your life, my little one, know that your old man is still struggling even when he’s near 30 years old.
Date: 27.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Yesterday was trippy little one. I had to confront a lot of the doubts and fears that have been circling my mind. At the time of writing this, I do not think I would be seeing you in the future, nor will you exist to read these. So I would have to drop these series to make sure I do not exhaust myself and give unnecessary hope.
It is sad but at the moment I believe my life would be best targeted towards me reaching towards the goal of finding peace within me and I doubt it would be made easy unless I commit to it now. Perhaps there might be a flaw in the way that I am thinking where I do not need to take on this path by committing in this manner. The only analogy I have for everything right now is to think of it in terms of archery, and in this case, I think instead of committing to something right now planning for something at the end of the process seems forced and unnatural. If I were to go with the flow and be detatched in letting the archer and archery be separated I think it might be best for me to not jump to conclusions up front. So instead I will be focusing on sharing what I learn about finding inner peace with you my little one.
Date: 28.02.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Everyday I get new ideas and things that I can do to get through the issues that I am struggling with. I will always say this, I am forever grateful for the friends that I have around me right now, despite what they might do in the future, right now I am grateful and glad that I have them.
I am yet to figure out how to get my life back int otits previous form. Perhaps we might not be able to always perform the same routine through out the time as there will be days where you are not in the best mood to start your day in an upbeat format. For now I think we might need to focus on sleeping at an earlier time to properly fix my sleeping schedule.
Perhaps in addition to these letters I can work on writing a small novel to read to you when you are little. I don’t know if you want to listen to your old man’s stories when you are young but I feel it would bring a bit of whimsy and beauty to mine and your life.
Growing up you will come to a time where you would forcefully stay away from things that you enjoyed it, in fear of being addicted to it. In such cases, if it brings an innocent joy to you, or if you are at a place where there aren’t a lot of things that bring joy to your life, it might actually be benficial to actually get into that activity that gives you joy. Have faith in yourself that you are capable of staying true to yourself and staying away from the addiction. Sometimes we strive hard trying to avoid being the state of flight, freeze, fight or fawn but we never stop to consider that sometimes these mechanisms are there for a reason and it might be necessary for us to calm ourself rather than to strive against it.
Date: 01.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Your old man is technically two months sober. It was not easy as I thought it would be. Perhaps the most difficult part was the constant reminders all around in mass media and everyday life. Not to mention the friends suggesting to drink. So far have I gained any special abilities and such? Nope the only ability I obtained was to look for alternatives to numb the emotional and mental pains that I had to deal with.
I still struggle to fix my sleeping schedule. I stay up watching movies that I have watched, or trying to find new ones to watch, all the while shoving unhealthy servings of sugary treats. Sugar is menance I will tell you that much. It’s a quick fixer when you are feeling sad or any other negative emotion. It’s a crutch basically and fighting against it is difficult when you also have the trauma to work against as well.
I will need to get my life in order today and figure out the path forward, while also being kind to myself and taking care of myself. It’s tough but reinventing yourself every week by reassessing who you are is a crucial thing to do I feel. Above all I need to rethink where I am going with the research work that I am doing, and to think of an outlet to pour my creative writing strengths to.
These are all good questions that I hope to answer someday, but until then, I will keep on looking.
Date: 02.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It’s getting harder to wake up early and get on with the day with haste. I might be sleep deprived and still recovering or it could be the sudden loss of sugar that’s causing me to be lethargic. If this is what it means to be a dependent on sugar then I believe sugar is worse of an addiction compared to alcohol.
I believe I overwhelm myself quite easily by putting too much emphasis on one day and the requirement to finish all my work on a given day where if I succuumb to the desire to rest or engage in anything frivolous I would panic extensively on the day slipping between my hands. The concept that Time is finite while literally might be motivating it can be also quite demoralising when your body demands rest or when your mind demands to freeze while stuck in the throes of an emotional flashback.
In my opinion, my dear little one, it’s best to take the route that is kinder and loving to yourself. Take care of yourself to make sure that you have food to eat, a clean bed and area to live, clean clothes to wear and contentment in life to keep on going forward.
In our pursuit of liberation from wordly desires we tend to forget that by looking inward and loving ourselves we maybe closer to understand the world around us. For the wave is part of the ocean while also being a part of its own.
Date: 03.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Today was supposed to be the start of a new lifestyle but I belive there was something fundamentally wrong with the way I approached it. I did not have any motivation in me to get out of the bed, and I was not excited about the prospect of starting a new day today. I was stuck in an emotional flashback and I really didn’t get around to investigating what the underlyig trigger for the trauma was that made me freeze up. However, it did help to simply get myself out of bed by reminding myself that being kind to yourself does not mean letting myself do whatever I want, that’s basically neglecting myself. It was at that moment that I was able to get out of bed.
Doing breathwork in the morning is a definite good thing to wake myself up. The Wim Hof method is what I have been using since my archery days and I hope by the time you are reading this that method or better methods exists as well. The world is slowly starting to understand the value of breathing with intention to shape our lives.
Also I do not worry too much about the sugar content of my cereal anymore as I realized that most of my sugar cravings are an underlying need for comfort. Therefore, the next time I find myself craving for food the first thing I need to do is to calm myself to see if the need for comfort is coming from a traumatic flashback and I’m trying to numb the pain or is it a genuine desire for something sweet. It is true that food makes us feel safe and happy and that’s why when we are stressed we would tend to overeat to make ourselves feel safe. I wonder if in the animal kingdom there are animals that would exhibit this behaviour.
Now onto the meditations. 10 minutes is a long and hard time to meditate I must say. Right now based on what I have learned in my lifetime I have decided to simply breathe and exist and reiterate that I am deserving of love as a starting point to spreading kindness to myself and others.
Date: 04.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I managed to wake up at 6 surprisingly.
My meditations today was about being at peace with the silence. I think the more I worked with shutting down my inner critic the more I learned how to bring silence into my own headspace. There was a spot of time where it was absolutely silent except for my breathing. It was a peaceful feeling that I would love to experience again. Loving myself includes accepting my flaws as it is and understanding that for each flaw that I have there are many more good characteristics that make me who I am.
In life when in pursuit of minor gains we tend to forget that some of these minor gains are only effective in a small portion of our time here on earth. The rest of the time is driven by simple yet hard to achieve things such as kindness and honesty. If ever you get stuck trying to figure out what to focus on my little one in your life, be a kind person to yourself first and foremost and then onto others. We are quick to say to be kind to others without prefacing ourselves. If we are not kind to ourselves it’s quite easy to fall victim to other people expoiting our time, energy and kindness to the point that we start despsising the topic of being kind itself.
Your old man has seen his fair share of insecure men in his time. Men who fear their partner leaving them at any moment and men who try too hard to keep a pristine positive image of themselves to the outside world. If by any chance my little one you come across these types of men (and there are many more types to be aware of) do not spend unnecessary amount of energy trying to get them to the right path. Guide them yes but do not expect them to follow. Sometimes rejection and failure can be the greatest teacher to some men to realize what they have been doing wrong.
Date: 05.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I should not have pushed myself that intensely last night.
I was able to be at peace with the silence for a while and I was able to get to that state quicker than before. However I could not maintain it for a long time and I eventually had to end the session early. After doing the breathwork in a sleep deprived state it is difficult to focus my mind for long.
Perhaps the biggest issue with sleep deprivation is that our inner and outer critics become stronger and prominent than ever. For example this entire morning your old man was coming up with scenarios where he would be rejected by those who he work with and he would have to find a different place to work with. While we do not know whether that would happen definitely there was no point in me going through that scenario simply because I knew my worth and what I’m capable and not capable of. Surprisingly this epiphany came to me from a Youtube comment, where a random troll was saying a certain member of the channel was not good when that member was not present in the video. It made me realize there will be so many people that will just say that you are not good enough or that you are not worthy, but as long as you know your worth and know what you are capable of there’s no need to heed the thoughts of others. I do understand in retrospect I did make up a scenario in my head and resolved it in my head as well.
On another note, I hope when you are reading these I have been a supportive person in your life to the point that you felt comfortable telling me everything that you are feeling during your periods of stress no matter how minor it might be. I had to dust myself off and pat myself on the back many a times in my life. I hope that you get to learn to do that as well by yourself but at moments where you can’t be I hope that I would stay true to my word and be there by your side.
Date: 06.03.2025 To: The one after my own heart
Today was a good day.
I am writing this recollection after most of the events in my day has already transpired. In a way it turned out for the best.
In life there will be moments where the end goal is of the least importance but what matters is the things you learn along the way. In my lifetime that was always the case, but for you it might be different. For me at least, I learned about supplementary skills and networked with people during my time in school and in the university and now in my time doing this postgrad I can sense that my destiny is also directed towards that side.
Also it is hard to understand what you don’t like especially and what you do like instead ( which is the harder question because sometimes the thing that you think that you want might not be healthy and in some cases might not be the thing that you actually truly want ). Life will always be a case of letting go of structures that you have held in your head and understanding what works best for you. Not everyone achieves the same goal in the same way and you most likely won’t be achieving similar goals.
It’s all right if you don’t get to achieve the daily goals that you have set up for yourself. Do not try to make your passion projects into a chore. Reignite the passion within you by sort of diving back into what you have done so far and on some days its completely fine if you have not made any progress or even attempted to make any progress. Even today I do not have any insights on meditations to share, except I got into a chat with a friend of mine ( who I hope I still am in contact with, at the rate that friends come and go, I can not tell honestly ) and understood how the schedule I once would have wanted to follow as a monk is actively being followed by people for a 10 days compared to the one day practice that I have seen back home. It is an insane task to take up but would be a fun novel experience to take on.
Your old man thrives on novelty, and being in a room full of people, and also telling stories. I am truly sorry if I have bored you to death with all the stories that I have retold to you by the time you are reading this. Knowing that about me helps me a lot to figure out where I want to invest my time in. When you are starting out you have to spend your time trying to figure things out by trying them out. It might seem like a waste but they are all valuable lessons on understanding what you like and do not like about yourself.
That’s all I have remember for today. Today was such a packed day.
Date: 07.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It is interesting how quickly friends will come and go in our lives. At this rate I would not be surprised if half of the people I talk about in these letters are no longer friends with me. Regardless, what I have to give to you as advice my dear is to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself to the point that being in a place with no friends does not put you in a state of distress. It will be hard. I do not know what orientation you would take be it introverted or extroverted when you grow up. Regardless, I hope you grow up in a state where being alone does not bother you severely.
Date: 08.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
When you are growing up I hope that I do not ever make you feel guilty or fear punishment when you break something in the house or break something that someone else owns. Still to this day, my trauma response is to flight and freeze. Basically in a stressful situation your old man would always run away from the situation and start finding ways to numb the pain and fear that is coursing through him. I hope you get to identify and understand early on the ways that you react to stressful situations so that you can identify which ones are good and bad and which ones are a response to a deeper problem that you are trying to suppress.
I hope that when you are all grown up, I don’t ramble on and try to tell you advice without considering your situation. If it ever does, I hope you call your old man out. A lot of times in life, I tend to be unaware of the subtle hidden messages that I am sending. I can also be unaware of how much I am talking and how it’s being percieved by others. I have lost many a friend because of incidents where I had said something insensitive that I didn’t pick up and most of the times those at the receiving end do not call it out when they are comfortable and would much rather prefer to keep it deep within them until they can’t hold all of it anymore.
Sometimes it’s all right to not be always physically active. Somedays you will rot in bed as a 30 year old adult by yourself gaining mindless brain numbing shots of dopamine. Just make sure that you notice them early on and also set boundaries that you would keep to yourself without lieing to yourself.
Date: 09.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Oh how little I knew about the intricacies of society my little one. Your old man is learning a lot even in his late twenties. Do not fret if you feel like you are behind in life ever. We are all being exposed to new experiences everytime in our lives. The question is how are we going to interpret these experiences and what are we going to understand from them.
I came across several fathers the past few days and I must say (I recently started noticing that I say this term quite a lot) there’s a certain aloofness and embarassing humour about each and every one of them. Perhaps even though the term dad jokes have been obliterated into an excuse to say risque jokes, dad jokes are what every dad finds humorous. I wonder if I too will become that someday.
In life there will be many instances where you will feel as if you can not keep up a routine at all. However do not lose hope and keep on trying to get back on to the same routine and adjust the routine based on the failures that you have noticed. For me I shall keep trying to wake up at 7 and take on the day with vigour.
Regardless I hope that when you are little and if you go through something that you can not fully understand or if someone aflicts you with a pain and emotions that you do not understand or want to feel, you will have the feeling of safety to open up to me. I will try my best to create that space for you my little one but if I fail I hope you do still get to open up to me later into your life no matter what happened in your childhood.
Sometimes to get through something you have to quit you have to go through the depths of it and come outside of it a new man who has learned the valuable lessons needed for the future.
Date: 10.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
The theme for these days will primarily be about friends my little one, for some reason they tend to take up most of the space on my mind and I can not for the life of me seem to silence my mind. As I have said in a previous letter, friends come and go and right now I need to find peace with it. It’s hard as we are wired to be social creatures. But I wonder how do those dedicated to living a monastic life find the capability to live alone away from civilisation. Or is it the case that as the Buddhist saying goes, “To be born from the mud, to be raised by the mud, to stay with the mud but at the same time to be separated from the mud is the way of the lotus”. Perhaps life is about making peace. There’s a moment’s peace as we are born and then we are thrust into a never ending battle of finding peace within ourselves to venture through life. I hope that someday when you grow up, you would not find boundaries set by others as a sign of hostility but rather a sign of respect. To care or respect for someone is to also let them know when they are hurting you. There’s a fine line between an accusation, the setting of a boundary and feedback. Most people will resort to accusations when feedback is what they were intending, while some will receive the setting of a boundary as an accusation. I am of the latter and I am still trying to fix it. If I still am doing it when you are reading these I hope you can call it out. I understand that children should not be their parent’s caretakers or therapists, hence why I’m writing them upfront to work on them.
Date: 11.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Perhaps I am slipping from my usual fortitude and healing that I have built from the previous months. But I do feel like there are creative endeavours that I have not fully pursued. I think I need to reinforce it everyday and solidify the notes and highlights that I have taken from the workbook on complex PTSD. Waking up early is hard but if I can finetune the wake up message that should be better. Working out early in the morning, despite what others might say. It is hard I must say but it can be helpful.
It is weird I must say to encounter friends that you do not want to interact with in real life. But it’s good that I’m slowly building distance from those who I don’t want to deal with.
Date: 12.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It is another one of those days where I have to announce that I chose to live to this morning. It’s all right to wave a white flag and succuumb to your pains sometimes. As much as we try to recover from our trauma bit by bit, we refrain ourselves from accepting defeat to keep our perfectionism intact. It is counterintuitive in the sense that in our journey to be kind to ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, we would try so hard to prevent ourselves from accepting failure.
These days will surely pass by and I will live through this surely. But at the moment, there’s a grim darkness that’s enveloping my judgement. I can not seem to shake it off leaving me with the only option of working alongside with it.
In life there will be times where you have to stand up against the self imposed authoritarian figures in your life.
Think of the long run even though the prospect might seem scary at first take the leap. What would you have to lose?
Date: 13.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Somedays it helps to simply surround yourself with friends so that you don’t end up trapped in the same thought cycle for ages. Perhaps what we forget in times of distress is that there are friends who are willing to help even if its beyond their expertise simply because they care. It might not always be helpful but it is a relief to know that you are supported.
A question that I never thought about was presented to me recently and it shook me to the core to think about it. “Whose death am I afriad to witness?”. After an entire night and morning of ruminating on my suicide, it actually was an eye opening question to flip the table and ask myself, if I believe that others will be all right after my death since I am a bad person and if everyone else out there is better than me, then I should be afraid of everyone’s death is that not the case? However at the moment my mind was drawing a blank as I had only tunnel visioned on my own demise but never on what I would do in the case of everyone else’s demise, especially my parents and all those that I try so hard to impress or see as an oppressing figure.
I do not think this line of thoughts will stop me from spiraling downwards again, but I believe that I need to be aware of the inner critic becoming stronger again. Perhaps each morning if we can spend a few minutes simply silencing our thoughts before we start our day that would be absolutely beautiful. Even in your old man’s so called young days he still struggled to maintain a healthy morning routine. Perhaps when you come into my life I might have fixed a routine and would advice you to do so. The truth is, where there is no obligation the human mind would rarely do things out of sheer will.
You are loved. You are not alone. Not everyone out there is hating you. The advisor next to your throne is poisoning you and you need to be aware of your slimy advisor.
Date: 14.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Life gets better with time I promise you. With time you will slowly come to a routine that you will enjoy. Somedays you will get small wakeup calls that will let you know that you have to get back on the good habits that you built up for yourself. Being receptive to those would be really helpful.
My mind is scattered at the moment, so let me take a moment to arrange my mind to come up with what I learned the past few days. Sometmes it helps to reframe the thoughts you are having based simply on the language that you are using but its a hard habit to build honestly. What I mean by this is basically sometimes we can be subconsciously using a language that would be mean and bullying ourselves. Or in some cases it would be quite harsh towards others. At such moments it helps to see what exactly was the thing that was bothering you and whether it was actually conveyed through the words that you used.
I still don’t know what my life’s purpose is. I thought it was to be remembered. I think right now my life’s purpose is to be at peace. That is all that I care about right now and I will make the career choices such that they bring me the most amount of peace. It’s a simple decision but I think that makes life a lot easier.
The theme of dealing with friendships and bridges being burned down continues. I still deal with friends becoming distant and I think the best practice right now is to build a life where I am not affected by living alone and going on my own path.
Date: 15.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I don’t know if I will ever see you my little one.
Divorce is a painful process. Your old man isn’t ready to open himself up for another person, and at the rate that I can see friendships fading, I think it’s best I make peace with being alone in the future. I’m sorry my little one, but I will not be able to see you. I will keep on writing these, for even if there was no one that would be after my own heart, I hope there will be someone who is closer to that place somehow.
Your old man used to rely on alcohol to numb the pain that he felt in his life. Now with that crutch being taken away I have to resort to fully feeling the pain that I have balled up inside while making sure that I do not do anything harmful to myself along the way.
I still question where am I in this short life of mine. After failing a marriage I doubt I’m capable of finding peace in another committed relationship. It’s hard I must say to be in a place where everyone is moving forward with their lives while you are stuck in this place. Do I have any words of wisdom to part with in case you are going through with this as well? Not exactly. For I am a cynic who has lost hope and I doubt I will be able to get that same hope back again.
What I can say is find ways where you can feel the emotions that are growing inside you in a safe place. The world has a cliche view where if you are happy then you attract people who are happy. That might be true to some extent but in reality that might not be the case. You don’t have to lie and be someone else to make sure that you don’t lose the friends around you.
That being said, losing friends has become the norm now and I can already foresee from my negative mind when and where I will lose contact with my friends. It’s a bittersweet experience to build memories with your friends while knowing that the time with them will be severely limited. Soon everyone will go to their respective corners and their lives will be spun around that tiny globe that they built for themselves. One might ask “Well what do you expect? Do you want them to hang out and not move forward with their lives?” and yes the truth is that it should happen, but that doesn’t lessen the pain in any way.
Do not ever put someone through the pain of a breakup after years of building memories. Pull the band aid early on if you know you can’t fix it. Do not I beg you for the love of god go along hoping that things will turn out all right in the end and then jump ship after years and years.
Date: 16.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I made it to this morning somehow. Surprisingly I was able to calm my mind to focus on my work after all that happened. I’m not sure if I’m running away from things when I sit down to work now. There will always be emotions to unpack and process, regardless of how long you have been trying to heal yourself. I had defined my life’s purpose is to find peace wherever I am and if working on a trivial task without an ultertior motive of acceptance and admiration brings me peace then so be it.
I digress, what I have learned today so far is that it’s all right to indulge your senses, and when trying to learn something new it can be daunting if you set the expectation of being an expert in every thing that you do. Very rarely you will be a fully fledged expert despite talking about it. Not everyone who says they are a statistician are fully understanding the concepts of measure theory nor are they always thinking of expectations and distribution functions. These are all arbitrary definitions that were set out by society and we get to have some lee way in how we view it. We decide how we want to present ourselves, how others view us is purely their task. There will always be that story of the couple traveling with their donkey that were told by different people that each seating arrangement that they set up was bad.
Also I have come to terms with the fact that as friends become closeted in their own sphere, it’s a good opportunity to still learn their strategies and methods to handle the distance from other friends. There is always something to learn from someone. They might not give you that lesson but always the case with friends is that they impart with you some knowledge and even if they stayed or left that knowledge will still be with you for long.
Date: 17.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I do not have much to say my little one. I didn’t have anything profound yesterday. I’m still coming to terms with losing and having friends. I’m coming to terms with my future and how it will pan out. I am lost to say the least. Nothing much to say apart from that. At times like these, it’s best your old man takes care of himself by letting himself indulge in some of the things that he purposefully refrains himself from. That’s just a matter of survival perhaps. It feels as if I’m running away, but am I going to be a dictator and prevent myself from running away from things that scare me when I do not have even myself to rely on. It’s hard reparenting myself and I hope to god that you wouldn’t have to walk through the same pathway as I am.
Sometimes it’s good to get out of your house and vent your thoughts to someone you can trust. I still wonder where I got the idea that friendships needs to be nurtured. Perhaps friends that have gone through good and bad times together would stick together for long times. Regardless, it’s best to make sure that you don’t keep everything in your head and vent it out to someone you can trust. If there are none you can trust to talk about it, the best place would be to take a walk outside and talk with people that are not in the same domain as you. The main idea is to find a way to detach yourself from the constructs you have built for yourself.
Date: 18.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
There will be times in your life where you will have to be tough with your inner child. It is not ideal that my main method of motivation is the desire to feel useful or to comply with an identity that I have built for myself. It is effective still I must say when I get hyperfixated on something and keep on working until my body demands rest. Like the race horse that only knows the gunshot to start running at its best speed, the only way that I knew how to do better in my work is to instill the idea that I am not good enough and I need to reach this X benchmark to prove to myself that I am capable of doing things. It sucks out the enjoyment of many things that I’m doing honestly because all I’m hyperfixated on is the final appearance or the outcome of it.
In a way I need to stay in touch with the things that I want to improve on more. That is the final lesson that I learned so far from my end. Also I need to lower my requirement for gym work as just reaching the gym. You already won if you reached the place of work. That is the first step and that is more than enough I feel.
If ever you feel stuck in life my little one know that with time things will make sense. There’s more to life than the work that you do. At the end of your life what matters is whether you were at peace through it all. Working on my small inconsequential plots brings me peace because it feels like a small puzzle that I have to figure out how to build while reading the solution manual (yes your old man would read the solution manual and try to solve the puzzle first after trying all possible solutions.)
Date: 19.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
The effects of sleep deprivation can be intense I must say. Surprisingly I didn’t get moody as I expected myself to be. Perhaps by feeling hopeful and excited from the work that was done while sleep deprived was helpful to stabilize my mood.
There will be times where you feel like you are not able to do any exercise but trust me if you are capable of walking to the place of exercising then you have already won. The bigger part is showing up and not exactly what you do in it. Just showing up to the place has a big effect and that goes to your creative or logical endeavours as well.
The greatest friends are those that mellow out but the contact still remains as they always say. Your old man knew people and shared his life story with a lot of people. But among all of them very few are those that he would regularly call and check up on given he has the permission to do so. Maintaining friendships should not be done in a score card where the person who always checks on the other gets exhausted from it. The perfect balance comes from both parties initiating when their schedules are relatively free or they need that human interaction and you are the source for it.
Date: 20.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Today went well. I believe I have understood who are on my side and who will side with the highest power. People say academia is a place of free thought. There are no free thoughts in a place of hierarchy. All thoughts come with an associated volume when there’s a hierarchy involved. Some would simply bend their head and not speak while others would try yelling over the volume and end up annyoing those around them. Funnily enough the person who yells louder is the one that gets scrutinized and not the high volume that is already there. And then there are those who would simply walk away to a quieter place to talk.
I have realized that it’s best to put my passions out in writing for those who want to hear it. Often times we overthink how perfect things should be based on the end product of someone who has worked on a ceratin project for ages. Start by making the stupidest dumbest claims possible. Simply shotpost your way to publicity as the kids would say (I don’t know what kids in your time would be saying honestly)
Date: 21.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Life can serve you some of the most unexpected experiences and interactions. Keep an eye open for them and always talk with people that you meet along the way that are helping you, reagrdless of their status and where they are coming from. Always pay attention to the little things that people talk about and if you can associate them with those little things so you can talk about them later on. It will come natural once you start trying it, for me it was a survival mechanism that I built to show that I paid attention to the people that were talking with me.
They say there’s peace in solitude, but my little one, there are days where I doubt that a lot. For solitude comes the absence of people which means all the good things of having people would also be gone. Perhaps a day will come where I enjoy solitude while filling in the gap that would be there from not having people around. It is a normal human behavior to wish for summer when winter is around and wonder why winter is far away once summer comes to its peak.
Date: 22.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I had closure today of a friend that wanted to separate from me. I know that I am at fault and the only unansweered question was on the specifics of the fault. Your old man is not perfect as you might have already known. And it’s okay for you to make mistakes as well my little one. I have lost many friends because of my mistakes and at this rate its best that I start building happiness in solitude for I doubt I will ever find a place where I am capable of maintaining friendships for long times.
I have always wanted to live the life of a monk, but the solitude and silence always scared me. To be alone with my thoughts is scary to me. To face the torrent of thoughts that could go anywhere and most likely end up in places where I would feel hurt. Perhaps to accept solitude I need to first sit with my thoughts and go forth.
Date: 23.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It’s best to know when to take care of yourself and when to push yourself for the sake of those you care about. I am starting to feel ill these few days and I believe it’s getting worse today. This illness I speak of is simply a mere cold but I fear it might be progressing towards a slight fever.
Date: 24.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I use to do my best to believe that there is peace in solitude. But the truth is that I simply have an anxiety that simply can not be rid of because of how easy it is access my smartphone. I cycle through the apps looking for a message to read or to reply to, while I see nothing but emptiness. As a starving rat trying to find some form of evidence to reassure itself that it is not in danger, I am trying my best to reassure myself that I am not alone and that people are not talking to me because they are simply busy. It is hard for someone who was used to being given the silent treatment as a punishment.
Regardless above all what I need to make sure is that I don’t try to follow the same pattern as my childhood and try to work hard on something that would make others notice me and see me as valuable. My life goal is to find peace and that does not mean I need to be pushing myself unnecessarily in the face of feeling lonely.
It’s interesting how some people would give the advice of getting a life and doing something as a solution to having the compulsive behavior to check the phone when feeling lonely, when in reality such an advice could very much be a trauma response to some that reinforces the behavior.
One important detail that I saw being mentioned was the difference between a reaction and a response in the face of feeeling lonely. Your reaction to the situation could be either checking your phone more feverishly, or even deciding to suddenly do things that would make you feel values by others. Your response on the other hand can be first observing how you are feeling and addressing the feeling that you are feeling and acknowledging it. The difference is subtle but it also has tiny roots in the many teachings of eastern philosophies regarding ‘not doing’ / ‘not acting on emotions’.
Date: 25.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It is interesting how difficult parenting can be when you have to parent yourself. You are not sure if you are emulating the same beaviour that your parents performed on you, or if you are actually being gentle to yourself.
They say mind over body when faced with difficult situations, but there are instances where your body wouldn’t lie but your mind will. Listening to your body will get you far compared to listening to your mind all the time. Giving your mind the power over your body can be dangerous if your mind is built to treat yourself in a bad way.
Understanding the subtle cues and subtext of human communication is difficult. I will say no matter how old you get, you still find out instances where you missed a key component. It might entirely be my fault most likely. Someday I will get better soon.
Date: 26.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Somedays I’m actually just winging it. I’m on survivor mode and I’m simply winging it through these days. My letters will be short and nonsensical at this point.
I’m on a crossroad of emotions at the moment. I’m not sure if the idealogy that I’m following is the correct one or if it is an attempt at self sabotage by my own mind. I do not know the right answer to any of this. All I know is that I shall respond and take decisions that will make sure that my inner peace is kept safe. I will find peace in solitude somehow or the other.
Date: 27.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It honestly sucks when your mind is also the reason that you are denying yourself things you would have enjoyed. Right now I only see the negatives and the problems that come forth with opening myself up. My solution is to always isolate myself and just fully focus on the work that I have at hand as an escape route. I know that what I’m doing is wrong and that I’m not working for the love of the work but more because I wanted to run away from the trauma of being neglected and isolated.
Many a times in my life, I would come across instances where I’m reminded of the Taoist saying that goes along the lines of “The tallest tree is the first tree that gets cut down”. Sometimes it’s really better to be not the best. It’s better not to be recognised and instead stay in your lane doing your work at your own pace. You don’t have to conquer the world or win everyone’s hearts. Be happy with the cards that life dealt and make decisions that bring peace to you the most.
Date: 28.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Life is always full of layers of learning and getting used to I would say. Sometimes you would be getting used to many things simulataneously while trying to do something you are familiar with. I wish there was more strength and more time in the day, but I also know that I have limits to what I can and cannot achieve. Somedays I would look out at fathers playing with their childrens and wonder whether we will ever meet, my dear. I have slowly started to realize that I will be staying in my bubble of solitude and simply focusing on peace.
Date: 29.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I have realized that my notion of finding peace in solitude was simply a self sabotaging attempt. I have opted in to the thinking pattern of all or nothing framework, where I believe that either someone is the closest most reliable friend ever or they are nothing to me. It’s the same way that I have treated my other relationships as well, where either they are the best or they are nothing at all. The treatment that you give to yourself can also be reflected on to others. So as you get more criticial and judgemental of yourself, you start developing a sense of similiar expectancy towards others who might hurt you.
I need to put myself out there and see that friends can be accepted despite their flaws and that there are cases where some friends can be work colleagues and that some friends can simply be friends that are in between being your close friends and a stranger.
If ever in life you come across a stage where you find people who matter to you, cherish them and check in on them.
This is important and I hope you follow at least some parts of it. Collect evidence that you matter to other people. Know that you do matter in this world no matter what. It might be hard to accept it when you are stuck and frozen unable to do anything, but it’s at those moments that you have to reach out to your friend circle and ask them how much you mean to them. See if you can go on solo dates. I know it is physically excruciating and it might seem pointless, but give it a try, just because you deserve to experience that moment.
Date: 30.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Today I realized that how much of a physical effort it takes to get outside of the house and to love yourself whole heartedly. It is quite easy to give in to the idea that either you are feeling the best or the shittiest. There is peace in solitude yes and there can be peace in being with a partner, with a community. You define the peace that you want to have, not the surrounding world. It is futile to think that you can find peace simply by cutting out everyone and isolating yourself. You can climb the tallest mountain or hide in the deepest trenches, or blend in with the most crowded cities but it is you who decide how you would be in peace. If a friend or a partner comes your way let them come. Do not actively seek and let it happen by itself. Move with your existing friends in a manner that is in between a complete stranger that you hate and your soul mate. Effort needs to be a property with more than two states. Perhaps it is time to get back in to meditating, but perhaps the first step of meditating is to do it without intention. To release the arrow without your right hand knowing it is the way to be. My goal is to find peace without explicitly chasing after it. To let peace and meditation come in everyday tasks with ease. Might be lot of bogus that your old man is speaking about but there might be some truth to what he has to say.
Date: 31.03.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I have realized that there are subtle ways in which I have shown that I’m not taking care of myself properly. And one of those are the food that I consume usually. There are other subtle ways that I can see where I’m not taking care of myself. If you ever find yourself in a place where you find these little things where you are not taking care of yourself, treat them first and foremostly. That should be your first priority. For the weeds of self hatred will be harder to remove once they have taken root deep within your mind. To the point that they will hide under the shade of every subtle decision you make and you will never know for sure until you fully question it and remove any preconcieved notions you have in your head.
Date: 01.04.2025 To: The one after my own heart
Through time you will realize what your truest skill and value is to other people. I have slowly started to realize that mine is to resonate and offer a safe space to vent. That is fundamentally what I have realized about myself and this might change in the future even, so I will not identify myself with that trait only. You too with time see what you bring to the table and hold that tight whenever your mind tries to tell you otherwise, my little one.
Be the reason someone feels safe and supported in this world. If there is at least one person that finds your presence valuable you are in a good place. If no one is there and I am not among the living by that time, open yourself up by asking others for help. Do not try to predict others responses, take the leap of faith and ask. The best way to make a community or to make friends is to ask for help in small chunks and reciprocate it similarly.
Date: 02.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Running on low sleep because I decided to hyperfixate on a small achievement, little one. Nothing much to say except don’t do that.
Date: 03.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
There are times in life where you need to know when to run the white flag and call it a day. There are times when you need to know when to kick things into high gear. When to do one over the other will not be apparent at first but you will feel it in your gut and trust your enthusiasm. It feels great to have the wind in your face as you run fast but know that it is also your body you are riding on. Keep in mind that however fast you run and feel that elation there will be a period afterwards where even the thought of running would make you sick in the stomach.
Take life one day at a time and if what you can do in a day or a week is the best then that’s all right. Think of life as been told to continously chuck balls into a hope. You would simply be adjusting your approach with minor changes instead of blaming yourself over and over. Easier said than done I know yes. But at the end of the day, what matters is to build a non judgemental approach to how you view yourself and the world around you.
Date: 04.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Tis another day where I must announce that I made it to this morning. It is tough I must say when you are stuck alone in the middle of the storm and all around you is a raging inferno of pain both mental and physical. For times like this, I can give you a plethora of advices but the reality is that you will be forgetting all of it by the time the actual event happens. And at the heat of the moment it’s hard to reach out to any form of support as well. That’s the truth. Especially when your mind is ready to nullify the importance of your self in every friend’s life. It’s painful but your old man can give a few pointers on surviving through the pain of crushing loneliness and the itch to paint your skin in red.
Ride through the pain. It will be over soon. Your body will not end from a panic attack, sure you might become unconcious and you will wake up again, hopefully. Experience the pain and cry. Don’t hold it in. If you are in a place that you can not cry freely. Get out of that place and go to somewhere desolated where you can cry and scream as much as you want. Scream out the horrors of the pain as much as you want. Let it all out. It will be over soon my little one.
On that note, my fears of not being able to see you might also become true soon. I might not live that long in this state. I can feel myself slowly giving in to the desire to end my life. I hoped that my life would not come to this point this year, but I feel like I cannot resist that desire anymore. It’s getting harder to find a purpose to live to be fair. My purpose in life used to be to find peace wherever I go. It seems that is nonsensical and feeble now after struggling to get out of bed this morning. I need something more concrete. I can make my purpose to be heard. I resonate. That is what I can do. To put into little pixels the endless torrent of pain that I feel. Perhaps I might just live long enough my little one. I never knew that writing to you even before I saw you would make me feel better.
Date: 05.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It appears I have succuumbed myself to the desire of my inner critic, the tyrant in my head that lashes with its whip while promising sweet nothing. I can slowly feel myself going down the path of becoming an obsessive knowledge worker to the point that I will be close enough to burning out. Nevertheless, I feel like I am productive. But I’m not sure for how long I can keep on doing this for truth be told.
Never ever value yourself based on your work. What exactly should you value yourself on instead? The gospel truth is that you are valuable simply by existing, but that seems nonsensical and I never understood it. So I do not have the right answer to tell you my dear, but I hope that I shall soon find it, or I shall perish before you will ever see me.
To resonate with others was my purpose as I discovered yesterday but it seemed for me to do that people need to reach out to me or I need to check up on peopl who are ready to talk. Sadly that is not the case little one as far as I can see. And I don’t know how exactly I will reach my life purpose to be honest.
Date: 06.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Once again I have realized that I have unknowingly given in to the perspective of all-or-nothing when it comes to my journey in healing myself. I have conidered myself as someone who is simply broken because I was unable to keep a consistent streak of avoiding suicide ideation. It was easier for me to start beating myself up when I had not been loving myself entirely. It’s easy to say to love yourself but to love yourself when no one is there and to be there for yourself when everyone else is unavailable is the harder than one might imagine.
On a completely different note it is interesting how people still fear mental health even in this modern age. The stigma behind mental health might have disappeared but we are quick to disassociate ourselves from it. Atleast that is what I have understood recently. If you go up to a friend and say that you are going through something there will be those who would point you to professional help before even listening to you. Bless them, they might just be wanting to give solutions, but in reality what this world needs more than anything aren’t search engines that point you to the nearest therapist but someone to hear them and be heard and be treated with empathy. Sure yes there is a limit to the support that you can give, but there is a reason why first aid exists even today. Your first option shouldn’t be to go to the GP or the ER. It’s usually if issue persists you go to the professionals. But when it comes to mental health issues, many are afraid that things would go south and would prefer to be guilt free if that becomes the case. A sort of pat on their back to tell themselves that they did their best by pointing the victim in the right direction.
Perhaps what this world needs most aren’t receptionists, or search engines, but rather humans who will listen and resonate with empathy and kindness.
Date: 07.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
One step forward and ten steps back. Life has been a constant back and forth of working to heal myself and then destroying everything that I built to start over again. I am getting better at cutting out the thread of thoughts that drive me to hate others and myself, but it is slow progress.
I want to achieve big things in life and it’s sincerely only because I feel a certain pride in myself when I achieve these things.
Date: 08.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
There’s a fine line between chasing your goals and self sabotaging oneself. These days my letters would be quite short my little one, because I do not have any nuggets of wisdom to offer that are helpful for you in your life. Most of my time is spent on my work and just obsessing over it to satisfy the feeling of self fulfillment. I do not know how to be resonating device with people my dear. I do not know how I will ever find that. Everyway I look I don’t see a path that could achieve that so what I can do is to work hard on the things that I was too scared to do so that I can be the person that inspires others to give it a try as well.
Date: 09.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Your old man has a hard time accepting compliments and understanding that things are in a good place. Also it is necessary that I make sure to care for the vessel that this mind rides on. I am realizing that I need to balance my knowledge work with enough exercise to make sure that the vessel is taken care of. There’s a fine line of taking care of the vehicle to the point of not using it all vs using the vehicle to the maximum with the bare minimum maintennace needed to function. Earlier I used to consider that I need to take care of myself extensively and not push myself too much. Finding that healthy balance is hard my little one, I wish I knew what the answer was. Perhaps it’s a matter of listening to your body. Perhaps that is the answer, to have an unobjective view of where your balance is, looking at your true senses without judgement. Before I begin to resonate with others, I will try to listen to my body more. What that even means? I have no idea. But I will read and listen and try and fail and see.
Sometimes confrontation are good, my dear. It opens up your mind to realize what you have been missing out on, it helps to simply write out what you are feeling as well my little one. I hope to god you wouldn’t have to go through the same hell that I had to walk through. If I ever do and I’m not around, I’m truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me and grow from it. I will share the path that I took to get out of the hell that I created for myself so that someday you too can make it through.
I shall resonate with you my lttle one. I hope you can resonate with someone as well.
Date: 10.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
In life there will be options that you will have to say no to. And that’s all right. By the time you see the light of day my little one there will be so much options in your life, to the point that you would feel like you are missing out by not going on one opportunity compared to another. In reality our lives are short my dear and in that time maybe we need to stop chasing the idea of finding the best, the one right option and instead make the best out of the choices that we make after doing the right amount of deliberation.
Apart from that I’m starting to realize how much I have been mistreating myself little one. I need to slow down in my life. I have been overconsumed by my work and have forgotten to take life slowly and appreciate things in a much more kinder way.
But the real question my dear is always about how to find balance in life.
Date: 11.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I’m still trying to find the balance but this time I think I will start by listening to my body and taking things slow to the point that I’m comfortable in. But apart from that I still do not know how to properly heal and grow from what I have been dealing with. I promise you my little one, I will slowly build myself to be kinder to myself. That’s the other thing, my dear. When you start a journey on improving yourself it’s easy to get bogged down on a destination and focus solely on that destination instead of focusing on the journey. Hence why I would be taking up challenges that are time based with clear set goals but then fizzle out afterwards. I’m simply trying to chase after milestones to win instead of focusing on the journey. The need to go fast or always reach things is there when you have a goal post to reach. But when you focus purely on going with the flow and doing things with a focus on the fundamental, perhaps that might be helpful.
Half of what I say might be nonsensical my dear. I am not someone who perfectly hand crafted you life lessons to read and find the truth to life. Most of the times I am coming up with a hypothesis and trying and failing and that’s what life is.
Date: 12.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Too many things happened today and it was hard to keep track of it all. One thing that stood out to me is that, there will be people in your life that will look at a scenario and would provide feedback on the things that you did wrong in that situation. It’s easy for me to say that you should let them speak and only take the feedback that you need. The issue comes out when your mind is more inclined to provide a negative outlook on the events and thereby make you feel absolutely terrible about everything you did. Do not listen to your mind when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. It’s easy to fall into just accepting what they said and believe that you are the wrong doer when in reality you are not.
Also apparently there’s some happiness in solitude that I still have not discovered myself. I wish I could my little one.
Date: 13.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I hope that in the future I have provided you with a safe haven for you to unwind and talk in. That is all I could think of today.
Date: 14.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
In life you will come across friends that you will have to put the effort in to maintain the friendship with. And that’s normal. Just make sure that you don’t exhaust yourself by putting your weight into places where it’s not appreciated at all. Find places that appreciate you for who you are and are encouraging you to be a tiny bit better than the day before.
Truth be told my dear, I do not have many things to divulge to you these days, I feel like my life is going in a linear fashion and there’s always that call in the back of my subconscious telling me to take the leap and organise my life, find space for new passions, but for some reason I have become quite lazy and lethargic. I do not know what exactly might be the reason. I simply go on the days as it comes with no significance of one day over another. Is this what it means to be an adult? To have everyday become mundane and similar to each other?
Whatever the reason is my dear, I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm and lengthy letters to you. I hope that you can forgive me wherever you are. I hope that these letters were valuable to you in someway and if they weren’t it was a magical journey to be writing these for you so I am glad that I was able to do this.
Date: 15.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I sometimes wonder whether the pursuits I take up in life are the ideal or the most time effective pursuits to take up. In reality there shouldn’t be any ideal pursuits in life that are set in stone to be exact. I aspire for many things my little one. In a way I’m glad that my childlike wonder and potential is still left intact. But as time goes on, it becomes more and more clear that if you make the focus of your aspirations to be the best at what you do, you will never find satisfaction in your life. That being said, it does kinda seem silly to put yourself out there in a world where there are so many other people with even more amazing highlights.
If ever you take the step of being a jack of all trades as I have, just keep in mind that you will always doubt yourself with those that have honed their skills over years.
Date: 16.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I have decided to give it my all and work on my research above all. I have forgone every form of self care to fully take the leap and burn at the zenith of my plight and perish as icarus did.
Date: 17.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I’m at a difficult cross road little one. I want to spend more time working on my own stuff but at the same time I’m starting to realize that it is going to lead me to burn out if I try to work on two projects at the same time. I want to do things that nurture the passion within me but at the same time I do not want to let myself reach burn out and lose all that passion that I have.
But I must say, if there ever comes a time where you feel touch starved and alone, go for a massage that is relaxing and a solo date to pamper yourself. Make it a new experience and open your mind to new cuisines and things to try. It does help a lot, and supports local businesses.
Date: 18.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It’s all right to be messy, but do not go so far as to not take care of yourself. Always reach out to those that you can at least stay in the company with. Empower and encourage others to follow good habits, join communities that are built around these healthy outlets for your energy. Be it music, arts or the gym even. Knowledge is power yes but there’s much more to life than what the sciences has to offer. Your old man has been to the extents of being knee deep in scientific research and I can not emphasize this enough. Pursuits that make you look deep into yourself is what would bring you the most peace and serendipity.
Date: 19.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Anxiety can be a painful experience to have. My letter to you today will not be an anecdote of my own. It is easy to give in to the idea that the people around you might be feeling a certain negative way about you. But my dear do keep in mind that everyone around you is also going through their own journey and might not be at their best capacity during your interaction. The moment you put people as perfect and you as imperfect, that is when you start feeling like everyone hates you even though in reality it could be the case that they are simply imperfect as they are, the same way as you. In this world there will be man made hierarchies that people instill to bring order into chaos. But do not ever bring an internal hierarchy of your own my little one thinking one person is better than the other. Sure there are extremes where completely irredeemable people would have walked this earth. But among your friends and your closed ones do not consider the others around you to be greater than yourself.
Love yourself even when you are imperfect which will be everytime. It’s such an easy thing to say sincerely, but it’s something even I’m struggling with. I hope to god I don’t instill in your mind that you have to be the very best in life for your life to have meaning. There are much more worthwhile pursuits in life, that should bring you joy and keep you present in the moment. Pick any one of those pursuits and do not try to compare yourself to others. Do things in life simply for the pure bliss and joy it brings. Do silly whimsical things here and there my dear. In a world full of KPIs, try to have some enjoyment in life’s simplicity.
Date: 20.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Offer a helping hand to those around you, whenever you can and try to reconnect with those that you would not usually connect with. As irritating as people might be, see if you can accept them for who they are, understand where they are coming from and make peace with the fact that most of these people were brought up this way for a reason. Time with people are going to be short and it’s best to connect with them as much as you can to make sure that you bring value to the time that you had left with them. In a world of immortality, the value of connections and relationships slowly dwindle away as everyone would be around despite everything. Love comes from finality. We hold on to things because they are impermanent. We can’t let go because we want to preserve what we see infront of us, when in reality what we see before us changes and moves with every second.
Date: 21.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
My dear there will be many shortcuts in life that you would be tempted to reach for. Do not go down those roads as easy as it might seem. Beacuse in reality in achieving most of the good things the part that’s the most important or the most useful is the journey itself. In the modern world the journey is cut off in many ways as we try to achieve more in a shorter amount of time. Do not forget the journey my little one. There may be places where the destination is always what’s important and in those places do what is necessary to get to the destination that you desire as soon as possible. The best pursuits in life will prioritize the journey but know that where money is involved most likely the end product is what’s valued and not your journey. The journey will not bring bread to the table, but it will bring the wind that makes your heart flutter so that you are capable of doing what’s necessary to bring the bread to the table.
Easier said than done, my little one. Yes I know. Money is hard to come by and it’s always a tug of war in your heart and mind between earning for your bowl vs yearning for your soul. Sounds weird but it rhymes at least.
Date: 22.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Balance. Everyone talks about it. But how does one find it? The simple answer that I have already heard in my Buddhist teaching is to build the discipline and then introspect with mindfulness. There are subtle nuisances that are missing in these suggested course of action. The main issue is that there’s multiple aspects of finding the right pathway forward that should be tailored for each person. In my case, finding balance is difficult as I have a hard time forgiving myself after failing to keep up with my pursuits and even harder time getting back on a new schedule after giving up on everything for a long time.
Somehow today turned out to be a massive soul searching day. I uncovered many insights, too many to the point of being overwhelming and now I am slowly starting to work out if I can actually achieve it. Rewiring your brain after 20 years of survival tactics that were used is hard, I must say and it sucks when the desire to quickly reach goals to achieve a sense of self worth is stronger than anything else. Any endeavour I take I always try to get to the end of it quickly so that I can feel good briefly and go on to the next and next until I hit the end of the line. I am at the end of my line now my little one. Now is the time for me to rewrite the one thing that brought me all the way here to figure out how to go forward. Somehow I managed to race my way with jetski on this ocean now I have to build a noah’s ark that can survive the treacherous unpredicable oceans ahead while still trying to jumpstart the jetski once in a while.
Date: 23.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Your old man is always doing things that are above and beyond to do things that make him feel good about himself. Like if my best walkikng speed is 10km per minute I would consider that the norm instead of accepting that was his maximum.
Apart from that what I can tell you my dear is that the creative pursuits that you have in your heart still matter. Easier said than done, but trust my little one, I have not feared the blank page but I have feared the voices in my head that scream out how I would not be able to make anything of value that can be shown outside or used as a symbol of being a worthy pursuit. Social media really has convoulted the way we look at the pursuits that we have, hasn’t it? Every stroke of my chalk, every strum on my ukulele I have been wondering how this would be useful to show in my portfolio has a quirky new thing that shows who I am.
Perhaps what I need to understand that while hobbies define who I am as a person it doesn’t necessarily need to be in the best shape for me to put it out there. I can make the most ugliest paintings of them all and I will still put them out there. It is interesting how we would not treat children with the same perspective. A child would be painting the silliest picture possible and we would clap and smile and congratulate the child for doing their best despite how unrealistic the image might be. As time passes our expectations grew and now when an adult squibbles a stick figure we look at with mild interest asking “so what person X can do better”. We shifte our focus from looking at the individuals first attempt to comparing their attempt with the end product of someone who has been practicing endlessly. Is it silly to look at the world with a newborns innocence and novelty. Take away the lens of all the constructs that y ou have accumulated over the years and if we look at the experience that I am having right now in a new light, I am actually in a fancy coffee shop, writing on a soft keyboard while sipping a hot chocolate. Quite the amazing life it is to be breathing.
Perhaps that’s the best advice I can give you my little one. When life becomes bleak, seek the child within you and put on their lenses for a bit to see the world from their perspective. That will tell you a lot about what you need to do that makes you feel better.
Date: 24.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
It is eerie how much your old man is similar to his father as time goes on. This honestly makes me realize how much I need to make sure I have healed myself before I see you my dear. I do not want to pass on the same behaviour patterns that my father had that were not sustainable. For some reason, the burnout and recover cycle is the same between me and my father with the difference being that he does not get burn out as I would have but would somehow instead power through because of his upbringing. It is interesting to say the least how I had not seen him behave that way but somehow managed to mimic the same behaviour pattern. The one person that I didn’t get to see most of my time, and I somehow managed to mimic him the most.
Interesting how the mind works sometimes. You give your brain enough space and time to breath and think and almost interestingly you are able to do things that you would have pondered on for ages and months. I have no reasonable explanation that can sufficiently explain why the brain works in that way, but it has been observed many times where I was able to simply solve problems that I had tried to solve a long time ago, just by taking a long break where I didn’t think about the problem at all.
Perhaps it’s the case that the brain looks at things from a fresh perspective without being caught up on the constructs that I had earlier developed for those problems.
Date: 25.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Being gentle goes along with being kind to yourself and the reality is that when I decided to focus on being kind to myself this year, what I really wanted was for me to be with gentle with myself. How can you be gentle and loving to a child truly if you can not do the same to yourself as impure and imperfect as you are. I need to heal myself and recover as much as I am capable of before I get to see you my little one. The road to actually achieving that would be long and ardous but you my dear makes it all worth it.
Date: 26.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Today was a whirldwind of activities to the point that your old man felt really tired at the end. There wasn’t anything much to learn from today apart from the fact that being in a relationship vs being single are just two sides of the same coin. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Both sides have their glory moments and also the undiscussed painful moments. There is no absolute best, and it is true that being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
Date: 27.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I hope in my most earnest thoughts that you feel safe to cry around me. That is the one of the most powerful healing skills you can have and it is to be able to cry your pain away without relying on a crutch. The more I’m realizing that I needed alcohol to cry because crying was frowned upon and considered ungrateful in the childhood home, so alcohol has to step in to shut the inner critic. Hence why i reached for it as a quick solution to shut the inner critic within and let the true sadness come out.
Oh to lean on poison Only to able to cry That which newborns perform Effortlessly with their first breath
To be loved as a child, you don’t have to fulfill a set of requirements. You don’t have to fight yourself to be able to win a morsel of attention from your loved ones. Making a mistake once does not mean that the love that they have for you is compromised. Punishing yourself by isolating yourself is not the only way to get forgiveness for your mistakes.
Date: 28.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
The main lesson from today was that there’s no need to be scared of not being able to do things on time. What we used to employ was the pattern of working in fear while foresaking any chance of rest and recovery, resulting in us always been in a state of stress with low strength to work properly. What I’m learning slowly from my renaissance period right now is that gentleness and slowness goes a long way. Interesting how the term slow productivity is slowly making a rise these days. Perhaps this is what it means to make haste slowly. Productivity is an idea fueled by many factors that change over the year and is such there is no definite right way to do the things that you have to achieve in a day my dear. You give it your all in the days that you could and then you wrap up what you can and leave the rest for tomorrow. It is never the end of the world because you missed one task so be gentle to yourself and grow slowly.
Date: 29.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Perhaps friendships take longer than I expect to mature and sometimes the spark might not be there immediately. Friendships takes time to grow and it is unreasonable to expect friendships to bloom in a short time. Maybe I need to let more time to pass so that the friendship that I expect would bloom properly. It is a gambit though. The reality is that the center of everyone’s universe tends to be in a tight focus that very rarely changes, so I doubt that with time that would change to be fair. Is it a fool’s hope to expect that people would shift their focus out of their comfort circle with time?
One of the many things that I learned about making communities is that the first step to making a community is to ask for help. Your old man was brought up believing that we should not be a burden to others by asking for help and was also taught to offer help to others as much as possible. Thank heavens there were people that didn’t follow both rules otherwise our entire society would be in a deadlock. It can be humiliating and scary to ask for help I agree, and people would much rather point others to professional help always rather than giving some insights first.
Date: 30.04.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I think the hardest lesson to learn is to look at life’s decisions without any judgement. And we sometimes can get fixated on the ideal time we can get our work done to the point that we forget that its all dependent on our energy and not on the ideal time.
Date: 01.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
If you have grown up in a background where no one protected you when you overworked yourself and exhausting yourself was rewarded, then it can be easy for people to demand a lot of things from you. Life can become a constant struggle to make sure that your inner child is protected while making sure the inner child gets to spread their wings and reach the zenith that they can.
Date: 02.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Odd number of friendships can be annoying. It’s important to apologize and acknowledge the errors that you made before. It’s understandable to make mistakes when you are under high pressure. Doing things solo can get tiring and boring quickly. People will romanticize the solo date idea but very rarely people acknowledge how tiring it can get when you don’t get to share your life with someone.
Date: 07.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I’m sorry my little one. I have not been able to write anything here for a week now. Mainly because I have been pushing myself unnecessarily because of a mistake I made. I do not have the strength to get back into my usual self my dear, but I will be back soon and I will tell you all about I learned. Especially about mediocrity.
Date: 11.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I cannot guarantee that I am back to my usual self but I can guarantee that I’m slowly stepping back into it. The things that I learned and had to deal with for the past few days were intense my dear. I will try to write them out here as briefly as I can but truth be told some of these do not really matter at all in the grand scheme of things and some might not be actual sound advice or conclusions to follow on.
It’s hard to love yourself after you have treated yourself badly for a long period of time. Let that be a lesson to your relationships as well. If you crack the whip and push people beyond their limits, sure you might get results, but they will associate you with the whip for a considerable amount of time.
Sometimes it’s all right to be a simple person that can’t achieve the best thing out there. Not being the tallest nor the shortest tree helps is the way to be. You don’t have to aim for greatness, you can hear people talk about great things that they did and that’s good that they did that, but it doesn’t mean you have to do the same level of greatness to be loved or accepted.
Your parents will move past their mistakes but a version of the worse qualities of your parents will still live in your head. It’s sad to say but most of the negative thoughts that whisper constantly through your head can come from the negative aspects of your caretakers. Again this might only be a unique case to me or to anyone who had caretakers that weren’t emotionally nurturing. So take it with a grain of salt.
Listening to your body and mind is the biggest skill a person can gain to be the most productive while being at peace. When you hear your voice say something mean and negative about you, try to see where it’s coming from. No child ever grows up naturally to have a voice inside their head saying “of course you would mess that up you usually mess everything up”. It’s quite an absolute statement that makes a sweeping generalization across all your work. Listen to that voice and see where it’s coming from. Once you see who that person is let out that anger in you towards them. They should not be there in your head, acknowledge their presence but also enforce that you don’t want to hear anything from them ever again. Enforce that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
The way you see yourself and love yourself reflects on others as well. The path forward starts with aligning yourself before the shooting range, for once you have aligned and centered yourself before you shoot then the arrow will land at the correct place.
You deserve to be loved, for the same reason that you would love someone else. So ask yourself why would you love someone?
Date: 12.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Listen to your body, and you will know when to stop and when to start the things that you are working on.
Prioritise eating healthily and always been on the move and the rest will come to you slowly. Make sure you don’t try to go above and beyond when you are trying to achieve the tasks of your day. This system that we currently live in is built on hierarchies that are bound to exploit you and your time and skill and they will give all the reasons they need to justify it. If there is anything that you need to prioritise and fight for in this life, let it be the inner peace that sets you at ease. Even when finding the partners that you want to spend your life with, find the one that will give you the most peace as you stay with them. Life is hard as it is, if a new person comes in to your life that takes away that peace then that person is probably going to make you feel resentful in the long run.
Date: 13.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
Check in on your friends once in a while my little one. And if they are going through a bad time make sure to stay by their side as much as they are comfortable with, not as much as you can. As much as you might feel like going above and beyond to make sure that they are all right, some people need time more than anything.
Date: 14.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I hope to god that you do not get abused or go through any traumatic event when you are young. If by any unforeseen bad luck you do have to go through something like that I hope I’m there for you to support you at least and defend you through it all. Today your old man realised a lot about himself in terms of how much his childhood trauma is still affecting him deeply. No one should be left alone to suck it up and deal with such an traumatic event.
Date: 18.05.2025
To: The one after my own heart
I’m sorry my little one, I have not been able to write many letters to you for the past few days. I still haven’t recovered properly from the time that I put myself in a really bad state by burning myself to the ground. It is sad that it’s been two weeks and I still haven’t recovered properly.
I will be honest with you my litte one, I do not wish to burden you with the emotions that are within me. But I do want to let you know that even in your 30s life can be hard. And that’s all right.